Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
