We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
