dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
my sisters under your porch take her home
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
