this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
