youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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