The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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