Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ðŸ˜ðŸ’€#pensacolaproblems
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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