just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
