I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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