where am i from again
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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