you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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