you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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