seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Randomize
