where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
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she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
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The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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