You just made me feel so damn special
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
