We're facebook friends in real life
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
