If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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