Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
