My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
This is the high leading the old right now
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
