The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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