I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
