So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
