I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
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i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
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No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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