I'm going to jail i love you
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
