So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
