Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
