Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
