so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
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My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
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Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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