Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
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Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
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If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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