if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
