someone get that fucking seahorse.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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