I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
