Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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