I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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