So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I love having hate sex.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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