I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
