I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
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She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
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You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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