I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I love having hate sex.
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She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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