soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
