obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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