It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
