My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
