I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My balls are so social today.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It's shark week go big or go home
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
