He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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