Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
