I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
