Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
