I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
