Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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