his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
