I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
