im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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