i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
