I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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