I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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