you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
