Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I am mentally ready for anal.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He literally asked permission to hit on me
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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