She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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